Pieces of advice

    I've decided that part of my daily writing practice is to do some "low-stakes" writing here on the ole bloggo. I don't think I'll be publishing everything, but it is a good way to do more stream of consciousness writing and keep my hands moving. I've been thinking a lot lately about the advice I've gotten from my therapist: keep your hands moving, find alternative ways to be kind, and rethink what it means to be an authority/role model. 

    The first piece of advice has been helpful in upticking my productivity. Many days, I don't want to write or do admin work (or anything really) but the idea of keeping my hands moving and maintaining a steady flow of words has been helpful. I think it has to do with the constant inner critic that usually sits at the head of the table at the committee meeting going on in my head. Rather than listen to that voice saying "why start, why do anything, it's not good enough" I just keep it moving.

    The second piece of advice has been difficult. I don't know what it means to be kind in a way that isn't also detrimental to some of my goals. I think part of forward-thinking kindness means also being kind to all iterations of me. Often, I'll throw my hands up and say "welp, that's a problem for future Gian." And this isn't being kind. Quite the opposite, in fact. I have to be creative in finding ways to combine kindness and productivity. Also because kindness can't look like sitting on the couch, playing video games, and eating snacks as much as I want.

    Finally, the third piece of advice is what really fucked me UP. My therapist pressed me on my motivations for doing my PhD and I had to say a lot of it is spite, proving the haters wrong, etc. But an even bigger part of it is trying to be the person I needed to see when I was younger. That Queer, Black, Latinx, person doing things in ways that don't conform to the bullshit. I want to bring a Queer sensibility to everything I do; I want to be playful and ironic and critical. I want people to misapproximate my gender presentation in different directions at once. And I want to be a visible authority figure while doing it. But do you see the disconnect? At the same time of wanting to flout institutional rules, I want to thrive in the institutions themselves. I want to finesse them, like the trickster goddess I am. So the advice to rethink what authority means was a bit of a game changer. It's decolonizing to think about how I can navigate through and be successful in these institutions that were never meant for me, while refuting their authority and establishing my own. 

Thinking through this process while writing is also helpful. As someone who never really thought of themself as a writer, it makes sense to practice, practice, practice.

Update: Back in Lugano

 It's been a while. 

The whole panoramic I've been trying to muster up the motivation to write. My dissertation, other projects....the blog has really fallen by the wayside. I've decided that I'm going to start using my blog as a morning writing exercise. So, I guess this means that you can expect more posts from me. 

In the latest news, I'm back in Lugano after a year-long stint in Vancouver. It was a nice time, despite the panopticon. I got about two months of living in a real city and then BAM. Staying at home and trying not to go crazy and trying to write. Trying to work out but my back going out. Trying to start other projects but not having the spoons to do so. Dealing with other health issues and trying not to succumb to all that. Still, I suppose it was better than the alternative. 

Since returning to Lugano I've started being a bit more productive, which is good as I only have nine months of funding left and would like to finish this PhD. I''ve also starting going on long walks and working out ever so lightly. Mostly because this quarantummy has gotta go. The vaccine is coming despite Switzerland's less than spectacular handling of the pandemi lovato. According to the schedule, we should be vaccinated by July or so (allegedly). I'll believe it when I see it, but at least Switzerland is somewhat ahead of the schedule of other European countries.

After this, I've decided that I want to move to Amsterdam. Much of my life I've just kind of gone along with the flow and tried to be happy in spurts. I think this will be the first time that I decide on a place and move there and then stick with it. I'd really like to break the cycle of "I'll be happy/content/successful after this next thing."

Toxicity and boundaries

Two themes I've been thinking a lot about these past few months are toxicity and boundaries. They've come up for me as notable ideas this year, mostly because I think the world has shown that a lot of toxic things, ways of being, and entire systems can't be left unchecked without establishing specific boundaries. Covid-19 is spreading as it is in many places around the US, and continuing to infect people across the world (no, the numbers aren't going down in "civilized" places, either). The virus itself is literally toxic in that it's killing tens of thousands and causing potentially life-long damage for those who recover. And remember, a large percentage of these deaths are completely avoidable.

I also see toxicity in how the world is trying to expunge this poison. The world is vomiting everything out, good and bad. Countries are trying to expel foreigners (part of the reason why I’m still in Canada and not sure about going back to the US/Switzerland). The racial uprisings across the US and elsewhere are another example of healing, angry energy that simply had to erupt. I think this could be cleansing, evacuating all of the sickness, but then is the Western world okay with being empty? Probably not. A driving force in our toxic behavior is, of course, the need to consume.

One of the ways boundaries have emerged as important is masks and social distancing regulations. I see these as boundaries and distance influenced by toxicity, but I’m also thinking about the gap between how people are treated versus how they should be treated. People seem to be so ready to transgress the physical boundaries, yet that gap remains difficult to cross.

 It's sad that this is a polemic statement, but you should care enough about other people to change your behavior in meaningful ways. This means wearing a mask. This means social distancing. This means donating money to Black people, also and especially Black Disabled people, Black Trans people and other marginalized folks within the Black community. This also means making space for them in ways that might make your life more difficult.

Bob the drag Queen, in a poignant discussion with Lucy Stoole about the wave of Black Queer town hall meetings that have been happening across the country, pointed out that in order for Black folks to gain power it means that White people have to lose power. Point blank periodt. That makes a lot of folks uncomfortable, but this is truly what restorative justice looks like. A lot of privileged people are going to have to give up privilege, which, to them might feel like oppression. It is not a coincidence that Karen and her friends are claiming oppression, when asked to engage in the slight inconvenience of wearing a mask in public.

I’m not really sure where these thoughts are going. If I were a better academic, I’d try to write an actual paper about this. For now, I suppose I’m just satisfied with having written this much.

A new life

I've been playing with the idea of starting up the ole blog again. Now, when I should probably be focusing on writing other things (dissertation, projects, applications, etc.). Still, I've always found this version of screaming into the void a tad bit more appealing. At least the stakes are lower. Since my last post, I have:

• gone through numerous cycles of executive (dys)function
• seriously considered quitting my PhD 
• Published an article 
• Submitted the first article from my PhD to a journal
• Submitted an co-authored article to a journal...only to have it rejected
• Resubmitted said article
• MOVED TO VANCOUVER 
• witnessed the world going through the early phases of what will most likely be (at least) a year-long pandemic
• Seen the people of the country where I happened to be born collectively mobilize because people that look like me can and continue to be murdered by the police with impunity
• started dealing with the mental health repercussions of those last two things
• extended my stay in Vancouver until December
• not worked as much as I should have
• Eaten a lot
• tried to work out because I have the time
• experienced yet another debilitating back problem
• stopped working out
• bought a number of video games to try and escape

So now, I guess I'm using this blog to process. Not entirely sold on the format, but I think it might be good for me to get back into the regular habit of a kind of writing that doesn't make me feel incapable. 

December Update

I've been slacking! Here is a video update...probably the last one of 2018 :)

England

I've been pretty lax with posting lately, but that doesnt mean I haven't been doing stuff! I recently went to Bristol for a conference to present a paper my boss, a colleague, and I are working on together. It was my first time in the UK and I flew into London and stayed a few days there as well.

Beautiful building in Bristol

Taken from a double-decker bus in London

Not entirely sure where this was taken...but England!

Here's me presenting the paper. The venue was super old and cool. 

The trip to England was right before Spring Break (which I'll make a separate post for). The conference was worth it, and I got to see another country

Uppsala, Sweden

I've been doing a fair amount of travelling lately. This weekend I'm glad to just stay in Lugano and catch up on some things.

Last weekend, I went to Uppsala, Sweden to attend a seminar on discourse theory and methods. It was a pretty interesting collection of students, and the professor was really nice and knowledgeable. 

Here's a picture of me presenting

(photo credit: Yiming)

Here is a picture of the group all together 

And here are some shots of the (super cold but apparently not as bad as usual) Uppsala

(photo credit: Monika)

I did end up getting a little bit of time to see Uppsala and Stockholm, but I have to be honest: it was way too cold for me to be walking around. Still, I'm glad that I got to see some old friends in Stockholm, visit a new country, and broaden my horizons when it comes to discourse theory. 

And, of course, what would a trip be without stuffing my face with (admittedly non-vegan) pastries?