I've decided that part of my daily writing practice is to do some "low-stakes" writing here on the ole bloggo. I don't think I'll be publishing everything, but it is a good way to do more stream of consciousness writing and keep my hands moving. I've been thinking a lot lately about the advice I've gotten from my therapist: keep your hands moving, find alternative ways to be kind, and rethink what it means to be an authority/role model.
The first piece of advice has been helpful in upticking my productivity. Many days, I don't want to write or do admin work (or anything really) but the idea of keeping my hands moving and maintaining a steady flow of words has been helpful. I think it has to do with the constant inner critic that usually sits at the head of the table at the committee meeting going on in my head. Rather than listen to that voice saying "why start, why do anything, it's not good enough" I just keep it moving.
The second piece of advice has been difficult. I don't know what it means to be kind in a way that isn't also detrimental to some of my goals. I think part of forward-thinking kindness means also being kind to all iterations of me. Often, I'll throw my hands up and say "welp, that's a problem for future Gian." And this isn't being kind. Quite the opposite, in fact. I have to be creative in finding ways to combine kindness and productivity. Also because kindness can't look like sitting on the couch, playing video games, and eating snacks as much as I want.
Finally, the third piece of advice is what really fucked me UP. My therapist pressed me on my motivations for doing my PhD and I had to say a lot of it is spite, proving the haters wrong, etc. But an even bigger part of it is trying to be the person I needed to see when I was younger. That Queer, Black, Latinx, person doing things in ways that don't conform to the bullshit. I want to bring a Queer sensibility to everything I do; I want to be playful and ironic and critical. I want people to misapproximate my gender presentation in different directions at once. And I want to be a visible authority figure while doing it. But do you see the disconnect? At the same time of wanting to flout institutional rules, I want to thrive in the institutions themselves. I want to finesse them, like the trickster goddess I am. So the advice to rethink what authority means was a bit of a game changer. It's decolonizing to think about how I can navigate through and be successful in these institutions that were never meant for me, while refuting their authority and establishing my own.
Thinking through this process while writing is also helpful. As someone who never really thought of themself as a writer, it makes sense to practice, practice, practice.
